family

Skeleton

skeleton1.jpg

We never speak of them but we know they're there.

All of us.

My wife.

Myself.

Our children.

They sit down with us at breakfast. 

Drape their hollowed arms around us. 

Kick up their feet of bones.

And laugh at our hollowed jokes.

When company comes, they pull up a chair.

Get cozy.

Stare in the eyes of our loved ones, daring them to speak.

Daring them to acknowledge the presence of the walking dead.

They don't.

They take our lead and remain silent, focused on the much less real human interaction. 

You don't have to look too hard for them. 

They make their presence known.

You can see their reflections in our perfectly polished furniture. 

In the dishwater in the sink.

In the faces of our children.

They do not hide.

Sometimes they lurk in corners, quiet. 

Other times they lay across our laps on the couch, unapologetic. 

And why should they apologize? 

We invite them to stay. 

Never ask them to leave.

As long as we don't have to engage, they are free to haunt us. 

Free to dance around our home. 

Free to make this home their own. 

We converse.

We smile.

Eat.

Sleep.

Laugh.

Cry.

Stay silent. 

Live.

Survive.

All in their presence.

Always in their presence.

Remaining in the home that feels more like theirs than our own.

Where else would we go?

 

Pillars of Sand

He told me I am blessed.

That I do have a strong foundation.

Two of the most important pillars to stand upon: God and Family.

The words of encouragement instantly make me cry as these two entities slowly but surely drain from my life.

God, already gone. Family close behind.

I ask myself what’s left.

Love.

There is always love.

I seek love, yearn for it. It often escapes me.

Life without God is hard.

I’m agnostic.

Not by choice.

If it were up to me I’d bask in His glory with hands raised and heart open once again and always.

I’d always have someone there.

A listening ear, a constant comfort, the greatest force worthy of all worship, a frickin’ god that I'd be lucky enough to call my best friend.

I loved it.

I miss it.

But my brain gets in the way.

The silence he gives me outweighs the comforting presence I myself created.

Family.

It’s hard when you have family but no rock. No constant shoulder.

The support is there but so are the mistakes.

He tells me he’s always going to be there for me while he is awful to her.

Delusional of his overwhelmingly crushing crimes.

And the others are busy. Rightfully busy with their busy lives.

Hate to complain.

Hate to need.

Refuse to ask.

These pillars he credits to me are nothing but pillars of sand.

They sink swiftly, transform to quicksand and I drown.

My rock.

My strength.

Nothing but pillars of sand.