A Tinder Love Story

After reading the title alone you've already decided that the following blog must be undeniably bullsh*t. Tinder stories are a dime a dozen but a tinder love story is simply some unicorn, dragon, tooth fairy nonsense. We've all heard of our co-worker's sister's dental hygienist's mom finding love on tinder in stories our friends tell us to prove that it can happen for you too! But we all know these stories can't possibly be real. Even if they are, it doesn't matter because love never finds us, only our co-worker's sister's dental hygienist's mom, right? We are the rule, never the exception, right? 

Well, luckily for me, I've always believed in dragons. 

Here's some helpful backstory for my tinder love story:

1) I've been on tinder for a while.

2) I think women are sexy. 

Okay, that's all the backstory you need :) 

A few months ago, I'm swiping around on tinder and have my settings open to both men and women because (see #2 of backstory). I come across a lovely lady's profile and read her details. She says she's not looking for a hookup or a romantic relationship but more of a "BFF situation". My first thought is, "Who the hell looks for a best friend on Tinder? This sh*t is nutty as hell." So naturally, being the fan of the absurd that I am, I swipe right! And we're a match! Happy Day!

We get to exchanging some messages, then phone numbers and bunch of text messages later, we decide to meet up. Our initial "first meet" (what the young, cool, non-comital kids like to call a first date) was supposed to be attending a Buddhist lecture on death followed by some yoga (her idea because she's just that cool) but it didn't work out. I was sick or she was tired. I don't remember. Instead, we kicked it old school and just met for drinks. 

Driving to the brewery, I couldn't help but get a little nervous. Even just through the text messages we'd already exchanged, I'd felt a connection with this woman and I'd seen pictures, not too shabby, not too shabby ;) She'd told me she was interested in both men and women and I was (see #2 of backstory). I thought to myself, "Men f*cking suck and she's gorgeous. Who knows!?"

That first night we shut the place down. We sat and drank and talked and talked. I told her things no one else in this world knows about me with ease. She listened with an open heart and unflinching face. I felt an instant connection. 

At this point, my lovely best friend, Sarah, has grown to be the one person I'm truly comfortable around. Historically, I've always thought it impossible for me to feel completely at ease around another person, including family and/or lovers. I'm not sure why, well, maybe because I struggle with judgement...I always feel it, whether it's there or not. If it's there with Sarah she sure as hell does a good job hiding it but I don't think it's there. When I speak she listens and cares and is there for me. Whether I need to cry, dance, drink or drink and cry while dancing, I know who's always down to join me. 

Best friends are hard to come by, 'best friends found on tinder' isn't really a thing that happens but I suppose now my son's dental hygienist's patient's co-worker can say their co-worker's dental hygienist's patient's mom met her best friend on Tinder so there's always hope!

My dating life has never been easy...nothing unique there. I may also be in the process of getting my heart broken (still waiting on a confirmation text) but that's another blog for another day that I'm sure I'll never write so for now, you're stuck with my sappy best friend post because you know what? The bitch is fabulous and she deserves it. She's an amazing individual on her own as well as as a friend. Plus, she's one of those super woke white girls that speaks up against inequality every damn time so...winning. 

So for now, screw men; it's never going to happen for me blah blah blah, but that's okay. For now all I have to say is I love you, Sarah. Thank you for the love you give me in return. 

I...

I have something really honest to say but just can't say it.

I have so many questions to ask but just can't ask them.

I am so angry but am not allowed to express it.

I'm grasping at straws of hope but feel as if it's in vain.

I'm so mad at him and her...and him. 

I wish I could protect.

I wish I could rescue. 

I wish I could help but selfishly do anything not to think about myself, about my own terrifying hope. 

I wish I knew him.

I wish I knew who he'll morph into ten years from now.

I wish things worked out. 

I wish I wasn't so strong but...thank God I'm so strong. 

I'm fooling myself.

I'm sabotaging myself. 

I wish he knew me. 

I wish he listened to me. 

I wish I could be honest. 

I'm glad I can forgive. 

I'll forgive.

I have so many honest things to say but just can't say.

I wish they'd be bold and brave and wouldn't shy away from the light of change. 

I wish I could give them strength. 

I'll worry about me later, maybe never. 

I wish I knew what to do. 

I wish we'd all find peace. 

I'm Not Poor. I'm Just Fat.

Ever go on a date with a GORGEOUS man and you know it's not going to lead to anything but you have to go out with him anyway because he's GORGEOUS? Yeah, don't do that.

Ever eat a LOT because of your emotions and then fail to really take the time to deal with this issue to the point that your weight increases...significantly? Don't do that either.

Ever try to purchase something on a bullshit website that for whatever reason won't accept your credit card information and then you idiotically KEEP TRYING and KEEP FAILING until the website refuses to even let you try any more for the sake of your own financial safety? Definitely don't do that either.

Because if you do, you  might end up like me last Friday.

I didn't write any blogs last week (sorry reader/mom) because I had one hell of a week at work. My job is pretty chill and stress-free but last week it was like the powers that be found out that fact and tried to pay me back with one week of hell. So, needless to say there was no blogging, no resting, no fun. There was also, no hair-perfecting, no make-up, no general appearance trying. 

So Friday afternoon rolls around and I'm FINALLY done with my work for the week. I have about thirty minutes left before I can leave my job (at a reasonable hour) and decide to do something I've been contemplating doing for months. I just got paid and had a little extra after bills n' thangs so I decided to whip out my debit card, get serious, and join Weight Watchers. After a hard week at work and frankly a hard month for my self-esteem I figured it was time I did something about it. This was me being proactive and taking the first step to a new me! What I should have done was shut the hell up, sit the hell down and just eat a donut. I don't learn. 

I go to the website, enter all of my information and press submit! I'm ready to be a fat free, skinny bitch! Too bad the site rejects my information. At first, it was my mailing address, something about it was "unacceptable". Of course the site won't tell me what exactly is unacceptable but something is just wrong. I write out East instead of abbreviating it, I try a different city...nothing works. Finally I give up and just put in my sister's address; I'll pick up my Weight Watchers starter kit from her. 

Trouble doesn't end there because why would it? My sister's address is acceptable but now my debit card information is not. The problem is either insufficient funds (which I ruled out...it was pay day) or a problem with my billing address or the spelling of my name. Again, the site can't tell me what's wrong exactly. That would be dumb. So after a dozen times of changing information the site freezes me out. "After ten sad attempts at beginning your journey to a new you, you unfortunately don't know enough information about the old you. We can no longer process further requests with the given credit card." Not exactly what the site said but that's precisely what I heard coming from my computer in Oprah's voice.

Needless to say, I'm beyond annoyed, hating that this is how my work week is ending. I shut down my computer and take my big black ass home. But first, to the liquor store. A week like this doesn't need to end in Weight Watchers; it needs to end in wine. Duh! 

I go to the drive through because I'm a G like that and my local liquor store has a drive through. I push the button for service and turn to get my debit card out of my wallet while waiting for an employee to come to the window. I turn back around after retrieving my card and see the window slide open only to reveal the most beautiful man known to man. Not only is he the most beautiful man known to man, he's a man I went on a date with. I remember him right away (except I still can't remember his name) and my face is instantly covered with "Oh shit." I feel hot and sticky and have crazy hair and am wearing no make-up and I'm probably a good fifteen pounds heavier than I was the last time I saw him. Feminist Marissa says don't worry about any of that while real Marissa just wants to run and cry but...she needs her wine.

He gives me the "you look familiar look" and I give him the "nope, you're thinking of someone else look." It doesn't work because there was this:

Him: What can I get for you.

Me: I'll take a Barefoot Pinot Grigio...the big one.

Him: Ok, I'll be right back.

Me: *fuck* *fuck* *fuck*

He returns.

Him: Here you are...you look really familiar.

Me: Yeah, we, um, we went to a movie together once.

Him: Oh yeah, that's right! How are you?

Me: Just great!

Him: Awesome! It's really good to see you. Ok, that will be $8.37

Me: Ok, here you go.

Him: (Minor terror on his face) Um, it's saying it's declined. Do you want to call your bank or something? 

Me: You know I should call my bank because I know what you're thinking; you're thinking it's an insufficient funds issue but that's not it, I actually got paid today. You see the problem is I was trying to sign up for Weight Watchers earlier but for some weird reason the website kept rejecting my card, no, not because of insufficient funds, today is my pay day after all but for some other random reason that the site refused to disclose to me to the point that it locked up my debit card because I was dumb enough to keep trying and now I guess my card's just not working anywhere so yeah, I probably should call the bank and figure this all out so I can drink wine...and lose weight because yeah, I'm not poor. I'm just fat. 

EXCEPT I DON'T SAY ANY OF THAT. I START TO MUMBLE IT AND THEN JUST THINK "OH, FORGET IT" AND SETTLE ON...

Me: No, it's fine, I'll just pay with cash.

Him: It's all good. These things happen to all of us.

Me: Well, it's just that..

Him: Well, have a good one!

Me: Okay, yeah. You too!

I drive away. 

The next day I get an email from my bank stating they will be sending me a new debit card in the mail due to possible fraudulent activity. It should be here in about fifteen days. In the meantime I'm going to drink this wine and try not to get fatter.