Instead

Could you hold me instead?

Instead of me writing dreadful truths, prayers too petrifying to whisper to you, to God, most certainly to myself.

Could we forget about her and her?

Could we honor them later but first, could you just hold me instead?

Could you ignore my racing heart and welled up tears?

Could you look the other way if one escapes?

Could we forget about the reasons you shouldn’t be here?

Could we honor them later but first, could you fold a little deeper into me?

Could you promise me this and that by stroking my arm and kissing my cheek?

Could you mean it?

Could you catch my love when I pour it over your body? Wear it like a regal robe? An impenetrable armor?

Could you trust it?

Can you feel it?

Because I can feel you.

Stroking my arm and kissing my cheek.

Silently promising yes.

I...

I have something really honest to say but just can't say it.

I have so many questions to ask but just can't ask them.

I am so angry but am not allowed to express it.

I'm grasping at straws of hope but feel as if it's in vain.

I'm so mad at him and her...and him. 

I wish I could protect.

I wish I could rescue. 

I wish I could help but selfishly do anything not to think about myself, about my own terrifying hope. 

I wish I knew him.

I wish I knew who he'll morph into ten years from now.

I wish things worked out. 

I wish I wasn't so strong but...thank God I'm so strong. 

I'm fooling myself.

I'm sabotaging myself. 

I wish he knew me. 

I wish he listened to me. 

I wish I could be honest. 

I'm glad I can forgive. 

I'll forgive.

I have so many honest things to say but just can't say.

I wish they'd be bold and brave and wouldn't shy away from the light of change. 

I wish I could give them strength. 

I'll worry about me later, maybe never. 

I wish I knew what to do. 

I wish we'd all find peace.